Ladies and gentlemen, I am mentally divided. Confused. I find myself asking a question I've never found myself asking before, "Do I want to go back to go school?" Even more shockingly, I find that, at least in part of my mind, the answer is no.
I love being a stay at home Mom. Way more than I've ever thought I would. I thought I would find it to be mostly stifling, frustrating and boring, but, so far, I'm truly enjoying it, even though it certainly has its difficult moments. (The colic and teething spring immediately to mind.) I have always seen myself as an academic. I love being an academic. But, I truly think I enjoy being a mother more.
The thing is, I've come so far, do I really want to stop now? Plus, we certainly can't afford for me to actually be a stay at home Mom, especially with my student loans to pay off. Not to mention the fact that being in school would actually permit me to spend more time with my son than getting a job right now would.
This still leads to the question of what to do after I finish school, however. Professorships take a lot of time. Do I want to spend all that time teaching, grading papers, writing papers, and everything else? I've never, ever thought the answer to that question would be no. Yet, for part of me, at least, the desire for all of that is gone.
There's another part of me, however, that doesn't want to let go of something that's been such an important part of my identity ever since I began college. I am a student and a mother, and while I know I can be both, I'm not sure I want to be anymore. I'm not sure I still want to be a student, or that I will still want to be a teacher.
4 months ago
1 comments:
Or even if you can get a tenure track professorship. Even if you're spectacular, it almost doesn't matter because the odds are so against it. The life of a professional adjunct just sounds...hopeless.
Look, as someone about 10 years older than you I can say that forming your identity around a concept can work as a trap just as well as a certainty. Once upon a time I thought I'd be married and have a kid by now, and I'd be working as a business librarian, living in Cleveland. Now I'm single in Arizona and an auditor. I honestly think it's better to be flexible, and a PhD is limiting. You have to think about what it looks like your long term end place might look like and then try to pick the best options that will get you there. And then realize sometimes you'll pick wrong.
Good luck.
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